This week’s “team of the weak,” is a tie between Notre Dame and UCLA, two programs that have fallen on hard times and their rear ends. Best quote uttered by a Notre Dame president this year goes to Rev. John I. Jenkins, in response to the NCAA-ordered vacation of football victories from the 2012 and 2013 seasons. “Notre Dame would willingly accept a vacation of records penalty if it were appropriate,” he said. In other words, this is nothing compared to what we might be capable of doing. UCLA started the year wanting to be like Stanford, a tough, physical team than could run the ball. The Bruins, heading into the Cal finale, still need 73 rushing yards to reach 1,000 as a TEAM. UCLA now aspires to be 2015 Nebraska, a 5-7 squad that made a bowl game. UCLA, however, can’t beat the same bowl team Nebraska defeated last year. Happy Turkey Day Y’all. (Note: this week’s ranking is a compilation of 14.7 % original material, 3.5% real fruit juice, various antioxidants blended with some of my favorite rivalry lines culled off the internet).
1: Alabama (11-0): Why don’t Auburn players go on the internet? Because they can’t put three “Ws” together. (1)
2: Ohio State (10-1): Directions to Michigan: “North ‘til you smell crap, then west until you step in it.” (2)
3: Michigan (10-1): How did the Ohio State fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. (3)
4: Clemson (10-1): What is the difference between yogurt and a South Carolina fan? Yogurt has culture. (4)
5: Washington (10-1): How many WSU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a sophomore course. (6)
6: Wisconsin (9-2): In advance of Minnesota game Badger O-linemen have been working very hard on their Swedish pancake blocks. (7)
7: Oklahoma (9-2): Why don’t Oklahoma State fans eat barbecue beans? Cuz they keep falling through the holes in the grill. (8)
8: Penn State (9-2): Seeking to become the first team to win national title with a 39-point loss to Michigan. (10)
9: USC (8-3): What do you call a 4-7 Notre Dame program reeling in the wake of academic fraud charges? Saturday’s opponent. (13)
10: Colorado (8-2): This is the most excited Rankman has been about Utah vs Colorado in a non-skiing related sport. (14)
11: Western Michigan (11-0): If bored try singing November game-day schedule to theme from “Happy Days.” Tuesday, Tuesday, Saturday, Friday. (11)
12: Oklahoma State (8-2): What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an Oklahoma man? A tattoo. (NR)
13: Florida State (8-3): What’s the best thing to ever come out of Gainesville? Answer: I-75. (NR)
14: Florida (8-2): Did you hear about the Florida State grad running a Fortune 500 Company? Me neither. (16)
15: LSU (6-4): How many times has poor Ed Orgeron blown a head-coaching job by losing to an important rival? Two. (9)
16: Navy (7-2): Put your anchors aweigh because these Midshipmen aren’t done making waves. (NR)
First Four Out
Houston: Texas is ready to offer coach a bundle of money and his own line of cheese: Herman Muenster.
Utah: “CSI Salt Lake” offers new forensic evidence on Oregon receiver’s game-winning shoe. (12)
West Virginia: Game plan that involved spotting Oklahoma a big lead is being second-guessed in some quarters.
Louisville: SkateSliver870.com poll still insists Jackson’s lead in Heisman race is still within margin of error.
Honorary Poll Bearers
Kansas (win over Texas prompts new major “How to tear down goal posts”), Boise State (something’s wrong when you still need Wyoming to lose), Stanford (witness protection program said to be going “swell”), Auburn (hear the latest about Alabama football? It’s no joke.), Washington State (my favorite Apple Cup nursery rhyme starts “Rub-a-UDub Dub, Dub”), Nebraska (at Iowa this week…loser shucks), Texas A&M (So Kevin Sumlin is the most secure college coach in Texas?), Wyoming (winning MWC would be quite a feat at 7,720 feet).
Next Four Never
Rutgers: Team loses annual pre-Thanksgiving flag-football game, 224-0, to Big Ten Pilgrims.
Rice: “Stanford over Rice” this time of year sounds more like a side dish.
Arizona: Team’s “Bear Down” motto temporarily changed to “Bear Grylss.”
Fresno State: “Retread Ted Head” t-shirts sales soaring after hiring of former Cal Coach Jeff Tedford.