1: Alabama (11-0): What’s the difference between the Moon and Auburn? The Moon knows how to control the Tide. (1)
2: Miami (10-0): Beware the three-rivers pitfalls of Pittsburgh, which toppled Penn State AND Clemson last year. (2)
3: Clemson (10-1): What do you call a South Carolina player with a championship ring? A thief. (3)
4: Auburn (9-2): Alabama Coach Nick Saban will reportedly only dress 20 players for Saturday’s Iron Bowl. The rest will have to dress themselves. (4)
5: Oklahoma (10-1): Baker Mayfield has added three more apology-tour dates–Peoria, Scranton and Altoona–on his Heisman way to NYC. (5)
6: Wisconsin (11-0): Minnesota coach Fleck junks “Row the Boat” this week and secures copyright for “Women and Children First.” (6)
7: Georgia (10-1): Did you hear about the Georgia Tech grad who broke his leg raking leaves? Yeah, he fell out of the tree. (7)
8: Central Florida (10-0): Fans driving in for big game against South Florida are encouraged to turn off their left-turn blinkers. (8)
9: Notre Dame (9-2): Irish nix marketing intern’s “throwback” idea of taking a train to West Coast this week and playing Stanford in leather helmets. (9)
10: USC (10-2): After 12 straight, brutal weeks of play the Trojans will spend Thursday receiving Thanksgiving meals delivered by kind volunteers at the Tryptophan Society. (10)
11: Ohio State (9-2): One more win over Michigan and experts will conclude Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh were born, miles apart, in the same Toledo hospital . (11)
12: Washington (9-2): What do you call a Washington State Cougar with an IQ of 120 playing golf? A foursome. (12)
13: Texas Christian (9-2): Baylor tells bus driver to “step on it!” after learning Frogs have shut out five straight opponents in the second half. (13)
14: Washington State (9-2): How do you keep a Washington Husky busy? Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper. (15)
15: Penn State (9-2): The year 2008 can’t believe your final three Big Ten games this season are Rutgers, Nebraska and Maryland. (16)
16: Florida Atlantic (9-1): Kiffin, Leach, Trump reportedly in secret talks with Syfy for a new reality show called “Tweet-nado.” (NR)
First Four Out
Oklahoma State: This week’s note-of-support from T. Boone Pickens was a series of expletives pasted on white paper using Alphabet Soup letters.
Mississippi State: How many Ole Miss cheerleaders does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three. One to bake the cookies and two to peel the M&Ms.
Stanford: Next up for Shaw after passing Pop Warner on school’s win list: starting his own youth football league.
Memphis: Fans at Saturday’s home game against East Carolina game are encouraged to come dressed as members of “Mott the Hoople.”
Next Four Never
Oregon State: New coach will be determined by a winner-takes-Corvallis death-match game of bocce ball between Les Miles and Mike Riley.
Kansas: Can’t play football but experts at getting under nerves of potential Heisman candidates from opposing Big 12 schools.
San Jose State: Remember when the Spartans jumped out on South Florida, 16-0, in first half of the season opener? Me neither.
UTEP: Interesting factoid while waiting for school to hire new coach: El Paso is almost as close to Los Angeles as it is from Houston.