I read somewhere that early-season rankings are ridiculous, useless, baseless, misleading, indicative of nothing and should not even be considered before October. So, let’s get right to this week’s suspicious index of nervous breakdowns. Auburn made Rankman look like Einstein by proudly taking its preseason No.1 status into Atlanta and squeaking out a 21-16 win over U-Flubbed. That victory should carry Auburn until it hosts LSU, in the early battle of SEC West Tigers, on Sept. 15. Auburn scored the best first-weekend win but the most impressive team may have been Oklahoma, which jumped to a 42-0 lead over pretty-decent FAU and now hosts 30-point underdog UCLA this weekend. The Big 12 owns the nation’s biggest disparity between top and bottom, Oklahoma vs. Kansas, which thank god don’t meet until November, although we wish they would never meet…Our early “riser” award goes to LSU, which jumped from not ranked to No. 9 after leaving Team Turnover Chain in a mess. Miami joins Florida State among early-season frauds and so, obviously, anyone who put these teams in their preseason polls was “wide right.”

1: Auburn (1-0): Bravo. Tigers now have a win over Washington in the tank and don’t leave the state again until Oct. 6.  (1)

2: Alabama (1-0): “Maria, I screamed at a girl named Maria. And suddenly that name, will never be the same to me. Maria.” (2) The rest of this article is available to subscribers only – to become a subscriber click here.